Reporter: “Are you talking about legalized abortion?”

Republican Spokesman: “Of course, we have long been against abortion, which is murder, since life begins at conception.  But now, scientists have recently discovered that the human body is actually made up of hundreds, maybe thousands of living cells.   Each of these cells is actually alive and capable of becoming a fully functioning human being.”

Reporter: “How so?”

Republican Spokesman: “All it takes is taking a human egg cell and replacing the middle part called a ‘nuclear’ with the ‘nuclear’ of that man’s cell.   Then, you simply put the egg into the body of an Inception and Incubation Device or IID for short.   Wait nine months and voila!   You have a new, living, breathing human being.” 

Reporter: “I haven’t heard of an IID before.”

Republican Spokesman: “Oh, well liberals often refer to them as women.”

Reporter: “And women are willing to have these modified eggs implanted in them for nine months to make a new baby?”

Republican Spokesman: “Who cares?   That’s not the point.”

Reporter: “But instead the point is…?”

Republican Spokesman: “The point is is that every cell in the adult human has the potential to become a human being.   Therefore, you cannot kill any cell.   And we will refuse to allow any cell to be killed because it is like murder!   No, not like murder.   It is murder.”

Reporter: “So this means…..”

Republican Spokesman: “Understand, we are doing this on principle, not to save money.   But the side effect is that we will save billions on health care.   Did you know that chemotherapy is not only ridiculously expensive but actually kills healthy cells as well as cancer cells?”

Reporter: “Yes, I did.”

Republican Spokesman: “Well that’s out!  Also, have you ever had your blood tested?”

Reporter: “Yes.”

Republican Spokesman: “Well, never again!   What do you think happens to those blood cells they take out?   Do you think they grow up to be healthy, productive members of society?  No, they are callously tossed out like so much garbage.”

Reporter: “But aren’t those blood tests important in determining disease?”

Republican Spokesman: “It’s murder!   You can’t murder someone just because it’s convenient.   Another thing.  Operations.   Take appendectomy, for example.   Lots of perfectly healthy cells die in such operations.   Or, any operation.   And, as I say, making all these procedures and operations and stuff illegal will save billions in health care costs.”

Reporter: “I see.  And, all the Republicans are on board with this?”

Republican Spokesman: “Absolutely!   Well, off the record, a few Tea Party reactionaries are a little miffed that microscopes were used to make some of these discoveries.   They say, ‘If God would have wanted us to use science, He would have given us brains to understand science.’”

Reporter: “Can I quote you on that?”  

Republican Spokesman: “Sure, as long you say it’s off the record and use my name anonymously. I mean, I can understand the Tea Baggers.   After all, there were no microscopes in the days of our Founding Fathers.   If it was good enough for them, it should be good enough for us.”

Reporter: “Actually, I think the microscope was invented around 1590.   The ancient Romans used simple lenses but the compound lens microscope was invented before the Declaration of Independence.”

Republican Spokesman: “Whatever.   My point is that microscopes did not exist when this country was born in 1776.  I’m talking about the Constitution here.   And our heritage and history and stuff.”

 Reporter: “Yes.   Actually, the Constitution was later.   Remember?  First, we had the Articles of Confederation and that didn’t work out too well.   The Federal Government did not have enough power so they held a Constitutional Convention.”

Republican Spokesman: “Don’t try to give a history lesson to me, you liberal commie!  Here we are saving billions of dollars and billions of lives.   And, we are the ones who protect our liberties and our freedom to be whatever kind of God-fearing Christian you choose.   We are the ones who know how to keep elections in the hands of the good people.   Our people.   We need to get back to the way America was and can be again like in the Golden Age of America.  Westward expansion and dominating the world.  And not getting entangled in foreign affairs.  God gave us oceans to protect us!   If we are just left alone, the rich white men can and will take care of every else.   Long as the lesser beings know their place in God’s scheme.”  

Reporter: “Can I quote you on that?”

 Republican Spokesman: “Sure, as long as that Press Badge you are wearing doesn’t mean you are some kind of reporter or something.”   

As the productive capacity of the nation (or the world) tries to adjust to these fleeting tastes, there is, of course, far less efficiency in the economy as well. If mink coats are all the rage one month, then, it may encourage people to go into mink farming. But the next month, it might be considered out of fashion to wear the pelts of dead animals so all the mental and physical effort (as well as associated capital) becomes essentially wasted and must be redirect. By contrast, if a farmer grows wheat, that wheat is likely to end up in bread purchased by poor people month after month. (By the way, wealthy people can eat bread as well).

Income distribution has another large impact on economic efficiency as well. We may conceptually divide the economy into that segment which actually produces something useful to human beings and that segment which protects and divides productive goods and services. On the one hand, there is, for example, the land, effort, and capital that go into producing wheat and subsequently bread. On the other hand, there is the time and effort that goes into putting an electric fence, guards, and dogs around the means of production and distribution. But more than that, there is also in this category the time and effort and capital that go into advertising the particular brand of bread and more broadly, the huge amount of time, effort, and capital that goes into convincing people that they should be electing people to protect the interests of billionaires. Nothing in this latter category is actually productive use of resources although it is obviously seen as being in the interests of the few. Of course, one also sees that historically, extreme inequalities of income distribution are often the precursors of war and rebellion which have their own huge negative impacts on stability and efficiency. Unfortunately, some (though thankfully not all) of today’s extremely wealthy think that they are “too smart” to allow this to happen; that they will use the media to convince people that huge income inequalities are really good for everyone. Sigh. Where is Aesop when we really need him?

Now that I have clearly explained how things work, I hope folks will start buying and trading Billionaire Trading Cards! And, don’t forget the “Adopt a Billionare” program!

So, I am sitting in an executive committee meeting when I get a text message from my wife (we’ll use the pseudonym Whendy to protect her real identity) that she is calling 911.  She was having another gall bladder attack and this was the worst one yet.  It led to an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital where she was put in the emergency room and diagnosed with acute pancreatitis.  When the doctor came to see her (we’ll use the pseudonym Sahib to protect his real idiocracy) I was on the phone listening to the conversation.  Whendy told him that she was probably pre-diebetic based on what she had read.  The Great Sahib asked whether she had heard this from an actual physician.  She said no but….

“Ah,” replied the Great Sahib, “then you are merely talking about a fantasy.  Let us dwell only in the realm of facts.”

Whendy also explained that she had a history of gall bladder attacks. 

“And how,” asked the Great Sahib, “do you know these were gall bladder attacks.” 

“Well, I have read about it and compared notes with people who have had their gall bladders out.  And, when I had an ultrasound, the lab technician told me I had many gallstones.”

“This was a lab technician or an M.D.?”

“That was the lab technician, but…”

“Then, once again, if you didn’t hear it from a real doctor, it is a mere fantasy, not a fact.”

Okay.  So, let’s review the bidding.  According to the Great Doctor Sahib, if you hear something from a medical doctor, it is a FACT.  But if you discover anything in any other way, it is a fantasy.  Interesting.  I wonder whether the Great Doctor Sahib is aware that, at the time I was born, according to the medical profession, babies less than six weeks old could not see because their eyes were too immature.  And, according to the medical profession, the nervous systems of babies were too immature to feel pain, so surgery at that time required no anesthetic.  Of course, this was all “fact” because it was stated by “real” doctors.  My wife Whendy does have a great imagination.  But I am afraid that it is the Great Doctor Sahib who dwells in a complete fantasy land of his own creation wherein there is no valid source of knowledge except by dicta from an M.D. and that whatever an M.D. states becomes fact instantaneously.  Gee.  According to a literal interpretation of the Bible, it even took God six days to create the world.  Did I mention that when I fell off a swing as a child that the “real doctor” told me my arm was not broken and I should use it as much as possible?  Did I mention that I got called out of class three days later because — ooops — my arm actually was broken after all?  Now, this is not meant as a slam on all doctors.  Of course, most of them are doing the best that they can under far more pressure and far less time than ideal.  But it does give one pause if even one of them is so cut off from everyday reality as to imagine that the class of things that doctors say and the class of what is fact is completely identical.

Although I personally favor government-supported universal health coverage, that is only an option in parts of the civilized world.  So, since that’s out for America, the next question is, what can we learn from the Republican Health Care Plan?  In the next few installments, I’ll point out some cheap and easy steps to reducing American Health Care costs.  The key to point one of the Republican Health Care Plan is unbridled greed.  But I see evidence that there are already plenty of people with unbridled greed.  “Insurance” companies, for instance. 

So, let’s focus on “Don’t get sick.”  A simple corollary of that is: “Don’t spread illness.”  When I was a kid starting about three or four years old and coughed or sneezed, my parents and other nearby adults would always scream: “Cover your mouth!”  ?? What happened?  It seems this little courtesy has gone the way of the penny post card and the four cent popsicle.  Nowadays, people on planes, trains and at the workplace just let loose with coughs and sneezes without the slightest hint of an attempt to prevent the spread of germs.  It’s disgusting.  And, costly.  If there were some sort of bonus for getting others sick, then I could understand it.  But if there is such a bonus, I haven’t been apprized of it.  So….??  What gives?  Is there some sort of tax imposed when you cover up when you sneeze or cough?  I don’t think so.  At least not yet.  So, meanwhile, here is point one to reducing Health Care Costs: COVER UP WHEN YOU SNEEZE OR COUGH.