Weapons Against Tyranny

I must confess I share something with the people who want their assault weapons (I mean besides the obvious things like genetic code and breathing air). I like the Rambo and Die Hard movies.   I also like the Harry Potter movies.   While they are entertaining, what they teach us about fighting tyranny is to be brave and not to give up.  These are important lessons.  But they are not meant as manuals about what weapons you need to be effective.  If a tyrannical and monolithic US government wants to do you in, an assault weapon or even a garage full of them would be about as much help to you as Harry Potter’s wand would be in your hands.  If you want to learn how to fight in the real world, read about these folks: Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks.  Go find out about the so-called “Patriot Act” which really *does* do away with the Bill of Rights and then write your Congressman.  Call.  Vote. Call again. Do not rely on the completely misleading title, “Patriot Act.”   It is much a Patriot Act as a double chicken fried cheese steak is a health food.

New Republican Platform Plank Said to Save Billions in Health Costs!

By simply “sticking to our principles” smiles a Republican party spokesman, “we are able to save billions.   That is billions with a B.   It is based on simply refusing to pay for murder.”

Reporter: “Are you talking about legalized abortion?”

Republican Spokesman: “Of course, we have long been against abortion, which is murder, since life begins at conception.  But now, scientists have recently discovered that the human body is actually made up of hundreds, maybe thousands of living cells.   Each of these cells is actually alive and capable of becoming a fully functioning human being.”

Reporter: “How so?”

Republican Spokesman: “All it takes is taking a human egg cell and replacing the middle part called a ‘nuclear’ with the ‘nuclear’ of that man’s cell.   Then, you simply put the egg into the body of an Inception and Incubation Device or IID for short.   Wait nine months and voila!   You have a new, living, breathing human being.” 

Reporter: “I haven’t heard of an IID before.”

Republican Spokesman: “Oh, well liberals often refer to them as women.”

Reporter: “And women are willing to have these modified eggs implanted in them for nine months to make a new baby?”

Republican Spokesman: “Who cares?   That’s not the point.”

Reporter: “But instead the point is…?”

Republican Spokesman: “The point is is that every cell in the adult human has the potential to become a human being.   Therefore, you cannot kill any cell.   And we will refuse to allow any cell to be killed because it is like murder!   No, not like murder.   It is murder.”

Reporter: “So this means…..”

Republican Spokesman: “Understand, we are doing this on principle, not to save money.   But the side effect is that we will save billions on health care.   Did you know that chemotherapy is not only ridiculously expensive but actually kills healthy cells as well as cancer cells?”

Reporter: “Yes, I did.”

Republican Spokesman: “Well that’s out!  Also, have you ever had your blood tested?”

Reporter: “Yes.”

Republican Spokesman: “Well, never again!   What do you think happens to those blood cells they take out?   Do you think they grow up to be healthy, productive members of society?  No, they are callously tossed out like so much garbage.”

Reporter: “But aren’t those blood tests important in determining disease?”

Republican Spokesman: “It’s murder!   You can’t murder someone just because it’s convenient.   Another thing.  Operations.   Take appendectomy, for example.   Lots of perfectly healthy cells die in such operations.   Or, any operation.   And, as I say, making all these procedures and operations and stuff illegal will save billions in health care costs.”

Reporter: “I see.  And, all the Republicans are on board with this?”

Republican Spokesman: “Absolutely!   Well, off the record, a few Tea Party reactionaries are a little miffed that microscopes were used to make some of these discoveries.   They say, ‘If God would have wanted us to use science, He would have given us brains to understand science.’”

Reporter: “Can I quote you on that?”  

Republican Spokesman: “Sure, as long you say it’s off the record and use my name anonymously. I mean, I can understand the Tea Baggers.   After all, there were no microscopes in the days of our Founding Fathers.   If it was good enough for them, it should be good enough for us.”

Reporter: “Actually, I think the microscope was invented around 1590.   The ancient Romans used simple lenses but the compound lens microscope was invented before the Declaration of Independence.”

Republican Spokesman: “Whatever.   My point is that microscopes did not exist when this country was born in 1776.  I’m talking about the Constitution here.   And our heritage and history and stuff.”

 Reporter: “Yes.   Actually, the Constitution was later.   Remember?  First, we had the Articles of Confederation and that didn’t work out too well.   The Federal Government did not have enough power so they held a Constitutional Convention.”

Republican Spokesman: “Don’t try to give a history lesson to me, you liberal commie!  Here we are saving billions of dollars and billions of lives.   And, we are the ones who protect our liberties and our freedom to be whatever kind of God-fearing Christian you choose.   We are the ones who know how to keep elections in the hands of the good people.   Our people.   We need to get back to the way America was and can be again like in the Golden Age of America.  Westward expansion and dominating the world.  And not getting entangled in foreign affairs.  God gave us oceans to protect us!   If we are just left alone, the rich white men can and will take care of every else.   Long as the lesser beings know their place in God’s scheme.”  

Reporter: “Can I quote you on that?”

 Republican Spokesman: “Sure, as long as that Press Badge you are wearing doesn’t mean you are some kind of reporter or something.”   

All that Excess Baggage

Curiously, the Post Office, a {HORROR} Government Run agency and therefore supposely INefficient by definition seems to deliver a huge flow of mail all over the country with a small percentage of errors. Meanwhile, the airlines seem unable to “fix” themselves so that they do not “misplace” bags. It would “seem” that a large SUITCASE would be a lot harder to misplace than a thin letter. Most recently it took five days for my bag to be delivered after a trip to China. Sigh. I went back to the airport recently and took the attached photo. Does anyone see a problem here?

Reducing American Health Care Costs — Republican Style

In the rush of news about the various versions of the Democratic Health Care Plan, we seem to have lost track of the Republican Health Care Plan.  For those who have forgotten Grayson’s speech, the basic plan is quite simple: 1. Get Rich!  2. If you fail to get rich, then don’t get sick!  3. If you are poor and get sick anyway, then die quickly!

Although I personally favor government-supported universal health coverage, that is only an option in parts of the civilized world.  So, since that’s out for America, the next question is, what can we learn from the Republican Health Care Plan?  In the next few installments, I’ll point out some cheap and easy steps to reducing American Health Care costs.  The key to point one of the Republican Health Care Plan is unbridled greed.  But I see evidence that there are already plenty of people with unbridled greed.  “Insurance” companies, for instance. 

So, let’s focus on “Don’t get sick.”  A simple corollary of that is: “Don’t spread illness.”  When I was a kid starting about three or four years old and coughed or sneezed, my parents and other nearby adults would always scream: “Cover your mouth!”  ?? What happened?  It seems this little courtesy has gone the way of the penny post card and the four cent popsicle.  Nowadays, people on planes, trains and at the workplace just let loose with coughs and sneezes without the slightest hint of an attempt to prevent the spread of germs.  It’s disgusting.  And, costly.  If there were some sort of bonus for getting others sick, then I could understand it.  But if there is such a bonus, I haven’t been apprized of it.  So….??  What gives?  Is there some sort of tax imposed when you cover up when you sneeze or cough?  I don’t think so.  At least not yet.  So, meanwhile, here is point one to reducing Health Care Costs: COVER UP WHEN YOU SNEEZE OR COUGH.

Why Does Everyone Always Blame the Man?

According to usually unrelialbe sources such as the “WholeCloth Tabloid” and “Aliens Among Us” the real story behind the recent Tiger Woods “issue” has to do with his wife’s post-marriage behavior. As I understand it, no sooner had the knot been tied, than she began refusing to wear that scanty three-wood costume and no longer was seen buying huge quantities of orange marmalade at ShopRite. No wonder Tiger strayed. And, even when he’s trying his best, he’s only on the fairway about 50% of the time. Why does everyone always blame the man?

Revised Insurance Company Mottos

Ever imagine what it would be like if insurance companies had mottos that reflected reality? Well, I have. “Like a good neighbor….” is a little too short to give real justice to the complexities of the insurance business. It should be something more like, “We’re like a good neighbor who drops by and asks for a cup of sugar or an egg….every couple days….as long as nothing goes wrong, we love to get those payments from you. And, if you ever have a life-threatening illness, we are still like a neighbor except then we’re more like that one at the end of the traffic circle who screams if the kid’s ball accidentally gets on their yard and they come out with a shotgun if the poor tyke steps over the sidewalk onto their grass.” I guess that’s a little long for a commercial.

And, then there’s “You’re in good hands.” Yep. But I want to know, where exactly *are* those hands? I would say, they are around your neck at best. “Yes, normally, your insurance policy does cover treatment for diabetes, but our records show that you had a wart removed from your knee when you were two and a half. What’s that? You claim to have no memory of that? Well, I’m sorry sir, but that doesn’t matter. The point is that you lied on your insurance application so now we can’t cover you. But, hey, thanks for paying those premiums for 30 years. Our CEO really appreciates it. With millions of saps like you doing that in the unrealistic expectation that you were actually purchasing insurance. (Ha-hah. Sorry, sir, I couldn’t stifle a laugh there)… with all that cash, he was able to completely redecorate his fifth house and get a bigger yacht. While I have you on the phone, would you like to buy some fire insurance?”

“Worldwide, we’re on your side.” Yep. Up to a point, at least. Generally, that point is precisely where you become a source of negative cash flow.

Of course, some insurance companies do not seem to have memorable logos. They are identified more with cute, harmless creatures that you feel you could easily overpower if need be. How about a teeny green lizard, for example? What could be cuter? Unless of course, you file a *claim* at which point, they trade in the lizard for the 30 foot crocodile.

“Be prepared for the FU in LIFE.” Yep. “I’m sorry madam but your husband’s life insurance policy has a clause that makes it crystal clear that we do not pay off for suicide. What? Well, maybe technically he died of a heart attack, but our records show that he was twenty pounds overweight and hadn’t been to the gym for decades. Sounds like a death wish to me. Bye bye now and thanks for calling. Remember to check out our website for more ways you can make us rich at http://www.fu.com.”

Obama actually from Andromeda Galaxy!

Have you heard the latest? It turns out that Obama was NOT secretly born in Kenya as previously thought but is actually an android from the Andromeda galaxy beamed here by their superior alien technology as part of a democratic party conspiracy to give earth away to the spacemen. Yes! Evidence? Who needs evidence? We have never let lack of evidence stop us before. Why start now? And, besides, where is the proof that Obama is NOT secretly an android from another galaxy? Eh? Have you ever heard him deny it at a Press Conference? Nowhere in his books does he mention, “Oh, by the way, I am not an android from the Andromeda Galaxy.” Would have been easy enough to stick that one sentence in to reassure the American people.

And the so-called “health-care plan” is actually a secret plot to turn us into cat people through genetic engineering so we will be easier for the aliens to take us over. Yeah! It all fits. And, of course, the plan to have an all-gay military is all part of the bigger picture too because their kind will only be too glad to turn our planet over to the giant spider people just because they are both really into patent leather and….

What? Oh no! Now, I’m getting reports that Gush Limboogers is on his radio show and already proclaiming my blog as irrefutable evidence that this is all true. Geez, Gush, it was meant as an ironic JOKE, a JOKE. See? Too late. He is swaying and jumping and screaming like a banshee so everyone will therefore know he must speak The Truth. In a rush to lip-brush the Gush’s tush, Republican members of Congress are even now introducing a bill to require future Presidential candidates to submit to DNA testing to prove they are from this galaxy. An amendment to that bill would apparently also make it illegal to genetically cross people with cats. May be too late for that one though. Given how much the Republican Congress purr like pussycats to the tune of Gush’s histri-idiodics, it seems the “cat is already out of the bag.”

Unsightly Elbow Wrinkles?

Are you one of the millions of Americans who suffers from WES (Wrinkled Elbow Syndrome)? Have you ever looked in the mirror when your arms are straight and seen those unsightly and perhaps debilitating folds of extra skin? At last, you don’t need to suffer any longer! Our patented new bone fusing technique can keep your elbows permanently bent and the skin permanently smooth and young-looking! Call now for a FREE consultation! Join the growing throng of happy patients like Sandra Smith of Des Moines who writes: “My life has turned around since I no longer suffer from WES! I have a new, better paying job. Guys no longer turn away in disgust but instead thrown themselves at my feet. Thank you!” (*** These statements have not been approved by the FDA. Side effects may include inability to get keys out of our pockets, higher golf handicaps, and difficulty tying your shoes. In rare cases, patients have experienced purple eyeballs, crossed toes, and liver explosion.

Getting it Wrong — one small Delta at a time

The conference at Georgia Tech on “Computing at the Margins” was great. Getting there and back…not so much. We boarded our plane in White Plains on time…but then, we couldn’t leave. Why? Because they had issued a “bad” boarding pass to someone on the plane and we couldn’t leave till that was straightened out. They had to find the “bad” boarding pass and scold it. Then, we couldn’t leave because we didn’t have anyone to push us back from the gate. Hmmm…..You might think this would be a *foreseeable problem*, might you not? I mean, maybe not you *personally* but say — if you ran an airline? Finally, they got a device to push us back from the gate. Whew. But we couldn’t take off. Why? Because they first needed to load another plane and let it take off first. Now, if you were unsteeped in the ways of logistics, you might think it would make more sense to let our larger, already full and already late plane take off first, but I guess that’s why you probably don’t work for Delta Airlines. Eventually… we did take off. But we couldn’t get to the gate…because they didn’t have one of those little push-carts to pull us in. Finally, they were able to go get one or manufacture one or something. We were hooked up….and got to the gate, but could not “deplane” because there was no-one there to greet us on the other side. Apparently, whoever built the computer model for Delta flights had taken off for vacation before finishing all those pesky little details…..We had a good meeting which I may write more about later. Then, it was time to return home. We got boarding passes at the automatic check in stand, but there were no seat assignments. We went to the gate and requested aisle seats across from each other, near the front. We were told by a Lady With an Attitude….that she just handed out seat assignments as they were given by the computer. Then she put our old pieces of paper on top of the counter and gave us our new random seat assignments…at the back of the plane in windows. At this point, there was some sort of altercation between my lovely wife and this Lady with the Attitude about who should throw away the old non-seat boarding passes. I picked them up to avoid having to visit my wife in jail in Atlanta…because it probably would have involved another Delta flight. About two minutes before boarding time, we were informed that there had been a gate change….basically from one end of the Atlanta airport to the other. So we jogged over to the other side and were told our plane would be taking off a little late. At this point, we decided to “upgrade” to first class on our own dime. Here we did get seats together. Finally, we were ready to take off and fly back to White Plains. Well, not quite. They couldn’t push back from the gate because, they didn’t have one of those rare push-carts that are used to push planes back from the gates. I had naively thought that these were *manufactured mechanical* items that the airlines ordered and kept in stock somewhere for just such a use. But apparently, these are willful conscious beings from another galaxy that must be coaxed into cooperation by a rare breed of folks able to translate from English into Andromedian 756ish. I’ve actually seen more of these push-back devices at several small flower gardens than I have at the Delta gates. Maybe they could hire some of the gardners part time? Anyway, we did finally get home about two hours late and waited for our bags. And waited. And waited. Well, pretty much NONE of the passengers had their bags from that flight. While we may have been pretty slow in our jog from one side of the Atlanta airport to the other, our bags were apparently just *strolling* over and didn’t make it. So, after waiting in a long line, it was finally our turn to hand over our baggage claim tags….Hmmm….you remember the Lady with an Attitude who refused to throw out the “trash” that consisted of our original non-seated boarding passes? Her? Well, those little pieces of paper actually had our claim tag on the back. Luckily, if you recall, I had picked up those little pieces of paper and still had them.

Now, I’m very glad planes don’t very often fall out the sky which does seem quite miraculous….but having people and material ready…this does not seem like “rocket science” does it? At least the prices of airlines tickets have fallen by half since oil prices went back down. Oh. Wait. Let me check. No, they haven’t. And, now they charge you $15 not to have your bags as well. And, of course, you can’t have only carry-on luggage unless you want to forgo toothpaste, deoderant, mouthwash, water, and other such dangerous items. I’m thinking it would be no more costly for Delta to get things right the first time. And, I’m not even sure it would be all that much more costly to have non-surly employees at the ticket counters. Maybe when I retire, I’ll move to Andromeda 756 where they have plenty of those push-back carts for airplanes.

Women and Technology

I started at IBM Research in 1973. I think there were something like four female researchers in the building. Now, there are hundreds. It is so much better in so many ways. Two of the few back then were Pat Goldberg and Fran Allen, both brilliant but with very different personalities. Many have come since to inspire us all. The most inspirational to me is the head of the Social Computing Group, Wendy Kellogg. The new mission of the group is to “save the world, a few billion at a time.” They are working on HCI and International Development and also “Green IT.”