Ever imagine what it would be like if insurance companies had mottos that reflected reality? Well, I have. “Like a good neighbor….” is a little too short to give real justice to the complexities of the insurance business. It should be something more like, “We’re like a good neighbor who drops by and asks for a cup of sugar or an egg….every couple days….as long as nothing goes wrong, we love to get those payments from you. And, if you ever have a life-threatening illness, we are still like a neighbor except then we’re more like that one at the end of the traffic circle who screams if the kid’s ball accidentally gets on their yard and they come out with a shotgun if the poor tyke steps over the sidewalk onto their grass.” I guess that’s a little long for a commercial.
And, then there’s “You’re in good hands.” Yep. But I want to know, where exactly *are* those hands? I would say, they are around your neck at best. “Yes, normally, your insurance policy does cover treatment for diabetes, but our records show that you had a wart removed from your knee when you were two and a half. What’s that? You claim to have no memory of that? Well, I’m sorry sir, but that doesn’t matter. The point is that you lied on your insurance application so now we can’t cover you. But, hey, thanks for paying those premiums for 30 years. Our CEO really appreciates it. With millions of saps like you doing that in the unrealistic expectation that you were actually purchasing insurance. (Ha-hah. Sorry, sir, I couldn’t stifle a laugh there)… with all that cash, he was able to completely redecorate his fifth house and get a bigger yacht. While I have you on the phone, would you like to buy some fire insurance?”
“Worldwide, we’re on your side.” Yep. Up to a point, at least. Generally, that point is precisely where you become a source of negative cash flow.
Of course, some insurance companies do not seem to have memorable logos. They are identified more with cute, harmless creatures that you feel you could easily overpower if need be. How about a teeny green lizard, for example? What could be cuter? Unless of course, you file a *claim* at which point, they trade in the lizard for the 30 foot crocodile.
“Be prepared for the FU in LIFE.” Yep. “I’m sorry madam but your husband’s life insurance policy has a clause that makes it crystal clear that we do not pay off for suicide. What? Well, maybe technically he died of a heart attack, but our records show that he was twenty pounds overweight and hadn’t been to the gym for decades. Sounds like a death wish to me. Bye bye now and thanks for calling. Remember to check out our website for more ways you can make us rich at http://www.fu.com.”
